Kind of Like Checking Into Prison

I always have these ideas of grandeur about updating my blog. And then I’m in London and told I can ride the train for as many times as I want and well even the best laid plans… But now I’m back in the trainless, treeless land, so yay!

Stop #1: Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan or more commonly known as the country that doesn’t exist

I was stuck in Bishkek for about three days—three perfect, beautiful days. I’d say it was the sunshine, stunning nature, and lack of work but let’s be honest—there were a lot of marines there. And I mean a lot.

Checking into the Bishkek airport was kind of how I imagine checking into prison would be. But with more metal detectors. And Asians that speak Russian and are most likely part of the mafia. And random backwards scans. That stopped me every time. Because of a compass. Kyrgyzstan did not understand. Finally, they convinced themselves it was some fancy type of watch—or at least that is what I assume happened—and let me through.

Another fun fact? Ok! Lines are lame—everyone push their way to the front. Also if traveling with a puppy feel free to let it run amuck. And please hand all screaming babies to complete strangers. 

Dummy Cording

In non-typical Jessica fashion, I was prepared to leave Afghanistan two days early. I had packed. Everything had been mailed. All I needed to do was wait--and not get arrested. Or lose my ID.

In typical Jessica fashion, I lost my ID, which is only important if you’re planning on flying to Germany.  Or, you know, ever leaving the base. Since the number of lost items increased by a thousand percent in the last two days an annoyed understanding friend suggested I try dummy cording.

Dummy Cording—Tying a thick rope (he said 550 cord but let’s be honest—no one knows what that is) around your waist and hooking everything you lose onto it. Like a fanny pack—without the pack.

Meaning I’d be able to lose everything at once instead of little by little. Thanks, but that is really just a terrible idea.

Also I’d just like to point out to all those that are shaking their head thinking about how not surprised they are (which is probably most everyone) I only lost my ID twice in 8 months. Yea, amazing.

Also someone returned it! And I’m in Kyrgyzstan—the country that isn’t real.

Taking Tests

A coworker of mine failed his sexual harassment training—5 times. Insisting that the test really was incredibly difficult, he demanded I take it. In fact, he was so confidant that I’d fail he agreed to a bet. I agreed because well sexual harassment seems pretty straightforward to me.

If I pass with an 80% or higher Coworker buys me a White Chocolate Smoothie.

If I score less than 80% I must buy Coworker Popeye’s chicken.

The smoothie was delicious!

Note: Despite him passing after we encouraged him to choose the opposite of what he thought was right, he really does not harass us. Usually.

Working Hard

Conducting experiments. Ew.

Putting the smallest person behind a giant sign is always a good plan

Attack of the Birds

This is a native Afghanland bird. 

Just like the one that flew into my really skinny and escape routeless office. I flipped out. And grabbed the closest weapon—a J. Crew bag. 

Bring it on bird. 

I then proceeded to run screaming from my office. Don’t judge me. That bird totally had diseases. And/or is a demon. My survival mode equals selfish and Edita—who was also smart enough to run screaming for her life—was the only person quick enough to make it in Ed Center’s only room with a door before I slammed and barricaded it. The boys chased the bird back outside and then convinced Edita and myself that it was safe to come out. I spent the rest of the day Lysoling my office.

13 days till Europe, Schnitzel, and hostels. 

How Am I Still Here?!

4 days ago I was supposed to be in Germany. I’m not. I decided to extend 5 days before and changed my departure to Sept 10^th.

How This Decision Totally Mixed Me Up and Made Me Depressed and Grumpy

       1.    I already counted down. I can’t just add links back to my paper chain.

       2.     I made plans—of all the really delicious food I want to eat. The DFAC did not get the memo.  

       3.     Really I checked out about the same time I made the decision to stay. Working is now difficult.

       4.     I got bit by a bug.

A Variety of Countdowns

       1.     CS6 Trial—21 days remaining 

       2.     Pack one pair of socks every day

       5.     42 lunches/dinners remaining, which equals one week of work in the normal world or 3.5 days of    work for me. Sooo really, I only have 17.5 days left!

Honestly, I’m glad I stayed I’m just having trouble deciding that I’m going to survive the next 21 days. But a friend promised to show me all the cool things in Bagram. Like the dog kennels!

The Dryer Monster

Lately, I’ve been missing pretty much all my socks. I thought the dryer monster was gettin’ greedy. Or maybe the laundry guys just thought that my socks were swell and not giving them back. Tonight I put clean sheets on my bed.

There is more that fell down the crack

Oh, that’s right—I just sleep in socks. Or try too. My bad, laundry guys, my bad!

Joke's On You

So somehow I managed to convince my boss that I have some crazy amazing design skills. I don't. He hasn't caught on to that yet though and so the latest "design" project he's asked me to complete is a Certificate of Appreciation for employees leaving Afghanistan. I'm leaving. Next. Clearly, he was really trying to secretly ask me to give myself an award. As such I took the liberty of writing a thank you note to me. From my coworkers. 

Click to see larger! (Maybe?)